At EPUK Towers, nothing gives us greater pleasure than to help out our media colleagues. And this sad cry in the Guardian about the difficulty in attracting a journalist to work in Crawley for £18k brought a tear to our eye. So, Kate: sit down, petal. Have a cup of tea. Now we’re no experts, but we think the problem might lie in the words “Crawley” and “18 grand”.

Firstly, if you’re going to try to get anyone to move to Crawley, you either need a pack of wild horses, or (better still) an unmarked transit van and a roll of duct tape. I know you pointed out your office is “within walking distance of a mainline station”, and I’m sure only pressure of space made you leave out “and we have electricity, and only five fingers on each hand, mostly”, but its still not enough. Your clue for this might be the 600 hits you get when googling the words “Crawley” and “shithole”.

Secondly, the average wage for even a junior reporter on a magazine in your area is 15% higher than what you are offering. If you want someone of senior reporter level, you’ll have to pay about eight grand more. Just in case you were puzzling over that old “nuts” and “monkeys” adage…

No need to thank us, by the way.