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Kodak Lays On The Style

Photography has always been pretty much a boy’s game, so here at EPUK Towers we welcome Kodak’s latest initiative with their new Girly Snap range of digital cameras. And we’re sure the cameras, in a range of different colours and names like Red Shimmer, Pink Bliss and Mystic Purple, alongside fashion accessories like glitzy bags and neck straps, will be a big hit.

But the big – and so far secret – news is that Kodak plan to employ a similar marketing strategy for Pro Style, a new range of professional cameras to be launched later in the year.

‘Yes, it’s true,’ confirmed a Kodak spokesman on condition of anonymity. ‘Kodak recognise that while there are some very fine professional cameras already on the market, they all share one drawback: the same basic cameras are aimed at a range of professionals with widely differing requirements. In contrast the new Kodak Pro Style range are all niche products. Each is designed to best fill the needs of a specific kind of photographer, and therefore each model will come with a range of suitable accessories.’

Details of the product range are still shrouded in secrecy, but EPUK has exclusively learned that the following models are slated for release in 2007.

The Courier. Entry-level model especially designed for companies who want to prepare their own photography on no budget. Special high compression algorithms developed by Tesco ensure maximum JPG artefacts for a contemporary look. Images only viewable in Microsoft Paint.
Accessories: camera strap with the word ‘Professional’ in tasteful gold script.

The Blunt. Budget model aimed at newspapers looking for convergence between written and visual journalists. Camera phone training recommended before use. Images only viewable on Apple OS 9 and Windows.
Accessories: notebook, pencil, bad suit, battered hat with ‘Press’ badge.

The Upskirt. Small enough to remain concealed, but tough enough to serve as a defensive weapon, the Upskirt is designed specifically for celebrity photojournalists. As its name implies, it is particularly well suited to low level work. Contains a unique neuron sensor developed at the University of Southern California that can correctly identify a genuine celebrity in a crowd, even when doubles are used to confuse the operator. Preferred shooting mode: Raw.
Accessories: knuckledusters, Doctor Martens, optional hosedown nozzle and CelebReveal™ dispenser.

The Happyday. The first camera developed especially for wedding specialists. Integrated digital FX module includes standard masks for sunshine, champagne flutes, bouquets, floral borders, soft focus etc, saving much post-production effort. Advanced workers will love the unique custom morph control, which allows subjects’ excess weight to be shed in-camera, celebrity faces to be combined with subjects’ own, or entire guests to be added or removed at any time. Shower and grease proof.
Accessories: too many to mention.

The PR-Pro. Rapid event and presentation model optimised to impress clients with its special oversize body and matching corporate photographer’s suit with QD tie (bow-tie optional in some territories). This is an advanced camera that may be triggered by handshake or cheque handover without any intervention by the photographer, freeing them to amuse clients with jokes from the supplied collection. The integrated
printer can output 1,200 7×5’ prints per hour whilst the camera writes JPG direct to CD.
Accessories: plate and cup holder, red-eye flash, canned laughter module, additional DVD’s of jokes by Les Dennis and Chubby Brown, breathalyser car kit.

The Tatler. Elegant and diminutive diamante and titanium pocket camera designed by Gucci. The built-in flash is capable of illuminating the wildest house party, and the on-board name-dropper prompter uses cutting edge face recognition linked to the Who’s Who database. Just half depress the shutter and not only do the subjects names appear in the viewfinder, but their full heritage info is written to EXIF data. A massive 4’ review screen allows you to get on famously with them in a flash, and can also be used with the pop-out razorblade and snorting tube. Guaranteed Cocktail proof.
Accessories: personal stylist, elocution lessons, Max Clifford’s hotline subscription.

The Barmy. Designed to withstand the rigours of the professional sports circuit. Coated 3 times with Carlsberg Special to protect against weather and operator sickness. Capture rate of 299,792,458 frames per second, the speed of light, enabling operators to meet the tightest of sports deadlines.
Accessories: crash helmet for protection from flying objects, soccer strip of choice for undercover work.

The Sweeney. Developed in co-operation with Nottinghamshire Police. Dust, water and arrest-resistant. Incorporates a unique security system that renders images unreadable if the memory card is removed without the prior inputting of a valid press card number.
Accessories: handcuffs, facial cuts and bruises, legal aid.

The Peacemaker. Designed to Home Office specifications for surveillance duties, this special-order version of the Sweeney can be operated by a trained officer or canine, and features advanced beard-detection, crusty recognition and electrician-alert software. Includes encrypted wifi link to the Police National Computer and BBC Crimewatch, with AI press-release generation. Utilises toughened special issue compact flash cards and a standard Heckler & Koch magazine.
Accessories: fluorescent jacket emblazoned ‘PRESS’, 50,000v power supply, chip & pin swipe terminal for on-the-spot fines, ASBO dispenser, ‘smoke and mirrors’ creative module.

The Rambo. Specially toughened version of the Sweeney designed for use in combat zones. The flameproof body, constructed of a mixture of Kevlar and toughened steel, is surprisingly light at 49 kilos. This hardened casing guarantees survival of the memory card even in the event of a direct nuclear hit [note: operator not covered by guarantee]. Available in various camouflage décor, including Jungle Green, Desert Storm and Arctic White.
Accessories: clean underwear, free admission to VII seminars.

The Artiste. There are two basic versions of this top of the line model. The Visa Artiste is a rangefinder designed for street photography in the classic style, but in medium format. In common with other contemporary digital rangefinders blacks are rendered in a fetching shade of maroon.
Accessories: French accent, wide range of correction filters.

The Studio Artiste, designed in association with Getty Images and approved by the Stock Artists Alliance, is available in two versions: Pro and Micro. Buyers must present a portfolio to the SAA Board for review before being given a permit to buy the appropriate model. Generates Royalty Free only files in a colour space of Getty’s choosing [note: colour space varies on a weekly basis]. Automatically transmits files to Getty at an operator cost of $75 per transmission [note: bank charges may apply]. An SAA moderator must approve all files.
Accessories: lifetime subscription to the SAA [only valid for 12 months].

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