Alamy:

“This year we plan to introduce a new minimum 1Gb size for all submissions with one finger amputated for each dust spot found.” says CEO James West. “Our contributor tools are to be extended to add twenty entirely random keywords to all images. Plus, our new auto similar tool will dupe existing images and rotate by one degree while making a 5 mired shift in colour.”

Apple:

“2005 was the year we launched Aperture; 2006 is the year we learn from the mistakes of releasing a piece of software that doesn’t live up to the hype.” writes Steve Jobs, Apple CEO. “So, from now on, we are going to discontinue software production entirely and instead concentrate on our core business of producing glossy flash websites telling you how good the software would be if we actually made it. We plan to announce this with a major launch in eight cities with free iPod Atoms (so small you don’t know whether you have one or not) to ensure long queues.”

Adobe:

“The recent Adobe Stock Photos RF debacle hit our public image badly in 2005 – a recent survey discovered that there were less than a dozen photographers in the whole world who didn’t hate us yet” admits CEO Bruce Chizen. “In 2006 we intend to rectify this. In the next twelve months, we intend to find these photographers, then shoot their pets. And then make pics of the shooting available for royalty free sale only.”

The AoP:

“For too long, the AoP has suffered from the perception that it it some kind of elitist organisation”, admited an AoP spokesman. “Our News Year’s resolution for 2006 is to reposition AoP to seem less snobby. So, in February, we will be revising our admission rules so that photographers with names other than ‘Clarissa’, ‘Lavinia’ or ‘Timothy’ can apply. And our new press card will be oversized with extra space to also show names of influential relatives”

BIPP:

“The BIPP will stay at the cutting edge of contemporary photography during 2006” reads the press release. “We are already committed to find out more about this interesting so-called ‘digital’ development and whether it is likely to catch on.”

Canon:

“Canon Imaging has a proud history of investing heavily in research and development” says CEO Fujio Mitarai “That all changes in 2006, the year of the 1dsMk3, 1dsMk4, and 1dsMk4s. Each is exactly the same as the mark two, except for the name change, but you suckers will eat your arm off to own one anyway. The new models are to be announced at PhotoEXPO in March, together with our new ‘Bleat like sheep !’ advertising campaign”

f8 and be there contributors:

“Ogg make fire ! Ogg want thumbs !”

Getty:

“2006 is the year we introduce ‘phase two’”, said a black-cloaked Getty spokesman, his skeletal chin barely visible under his hood. “Our new contributor agreement requiring model release paperwork to be signed in blood by all parties, plus photographer’s soul to be filed with original pictures.”

The Independent:

Independent News & Media, the Irish owner of the Independent and Independent on Sunday newspapers, today (1st Jan) announced plans to further downsize to a 300page A6 format, claiming tabloid has become “too cumbersome” for readers. “This important development will also involve our correspondents in Afghanistan, Zimbabwe and Kazakhstan being moved to countries with shorter names which can still fit on a single line. And now, all photographers will now be notified of publication of their work -after they ask, and if they can tell us the six-digit number that we’re thinking of.”

London picture desks:

“It’s been puzzling us for some time, and 2006 is the year to finally do something about it”, said all London picture editors unanimously. “Its time to learn more about the huge wasteland which apparently exists outside the M25 and so we plan to buy a more up-to-date UK map to replace existing our copy which has “Here be dragons” written in the white empty space above Luton”

Lothian and Borders Police media office:

“Thanks to EPUK”, said a spokesman, “Lothian and Borders Police are committed in 2006 to read up on IPTC captioning , the importance of not disclosing the identity of informants, as well as the importance difference between one’s elbow and one’s arse.”

National Union of Journalists:

A statement from a leading member of the NUJ said: “This year we intend to campaign to abolish copyright law . We’ve had enough of fighting for a handful of members with re-saleable work to be the mini-capitalists and junior globalisation greed merchants they aspire to be.” (* see below)

Nikon:

“Because of the time needed to develop new products”, said a spokesman, “this year we will already be working on our 2008 product line up”. Shortly afterwards, the head of Nikon’s Digital Camera R&D department was seen studying and making notes from a Canon brochure from 2000.

NUJPhoto:

“In 2006 we will continue to demonstrate what a lean, efficient decision-making machine the NUJ is”, said the twenty-strong Committee for Statements on the Progress of NUJPhoto, “We will do this by democratically and non hierarchically taking 80 posts to decide whether a letter to ask someone to send a letter should be sent, then a further 50 to decide whether it should be posted with a first or second class stamp”. However, the chairperson of the Freelance Sub-Committee for Statements on the Progress of NUJPhoto later angrily pointed out that the statement given by the Committee hasn’t yet been ratified and so was not yet policy.

Pro-Imaging:

“When we suggested a trial separation from ProDIG, we didn’t really mean it” confessed one of the list moderators “Admittedly, we were going through a tough patch, but we just wanted to get some attention”. The spokesman then announced that for 2006, Pro-Imaging will be looking mournfully at the phone, wondering why ProDIG doesn’t ring any more, and clutching a tear-stained photo while sobbing quietly into its pillow at night.

ProDIG:

“The joke’s gone on long enough!” says ProDIG co-owner Martin Evening, visibly stifling a giggle. ” 2006 will be the year we finally admit the whole “colour management” thing was an elaborate hoax. Who were we kidding ? We never throught you’d fall for it ! Let’s face it: colours are pretty much the same whatever they are shot on and however they are printed, and no-one really cares about the odd colour shift here or there. Oh – and wait until 2007 when we break the news about RAW !”

Scoopt:

“Don’t worry about us”, said a visibly exhausted Scoopt founder Kyle Macrae. “For 2006, we’re just looking forward to the joys of having to trawl each day through reams of camera-phone cack for the next 365 mornings, looking for something that might just pay the wages this week.Oh yes.” Macrae then closed his tired, bloodshot eyes, muttering under his breath.

Scotsman Publications:

“In 2006, we plan to produce new photographer-friendly non-copyright-grabbing freelance contract” announced new owners Johnston Press without a trace of sarcasm. “We’ll get round to that right after we’ve finished milking the flying unicorns.”

Trinity Mirror:

While Trinity Mirror couldn’t be reached for comment, according to the Trinity Mirror Strategic Plan set out in their 2005 Annual report, they will continue on their Strategic Aquisitions Policy, aiming for a strategic acquisition of shadow and reflection for Sly Bailey by 2007.

(* sadly this one isn’t a joke. The Jan/Feb 06 edition of NUJ house magazine “The Journalist” contains a double spread feature written by NUJ worthy Chris Wheal, advocating the abolition of copyright, and including the exact phrase quoted. Click here for the full story )